Couples counselling can be a powerful way to reconnect, communicate better, and work through challenges together. But what happens if it doesn’t seem to be helping? Many couples feel frustrated or disheartened when therapy doesn’t lead to the change they hoped for. If you find yourself in this position, it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship—or therapy—is a failure. It just means something needs to shift.
Here are a few steps to consider if couples counselling doesn’t seem to be working for you.
1. Check in with your expectations
Counselling isn’t a quick fix. Relationships are complex, and deep patterns of communication and behaviour can take time to change. Sometimes progress looks small or slow—like fewer arguments, a little more listening, or simply more awareness of your differences.
Ask yourself: What did I expect from counselling? Were those expectations realistic? Adjusting your mindset can sometimes reveal that change is happening more subtly than you realised.
2. Talk to your counsellor about what’s not working
If you’re feeling stuck, say so. Counsellors welcome feedback—it helps us tailor the approach to better suit your needs. Maybe the style of therapy doesn’t feel like a good fit, or one partner feels unheard. Honest communication about the process itself can help realign the sessions and make them more effective.
3. Consider whether both partners are ready to engage
Couples counselling works best when both people are genuinely committed to doing the work. That means showing up with openness, honesty, and willingness to make changes—not just attending sessions. If one partner is resistant or only participating to “tick a box,” progress can stall. Sometimes, individual counselling for one or both partners is a better starting point before returning to joint sessions.
4. Reflect on your goals
What are you really hoping to achieve—reconnection, better communication, clarity about whether to stay together, or learning how to separate respectfully?
If your goals are unclear or mismatched, therapy can feel confusing. Discuss your aims openly with your counsellor so you’re all on the same page. In some cases, couples counselling helps people realise that separation might be the healthiest path forward—and that’s okay too.
5. Try a different approach or therapist
Not every counselling style or therapist will be the right fit for every couple. There are different evidence-based approaches, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for couples. If you’ve given it a fair try and still feel stuck, it might be worth exploring another approach or counsellor. A fresh perspective can make a big difference.
6. Keep communication open outside of sessions
Therapy can create a safe space, but the real work happens between appointments. Try to keep using the communication tools you’ve learned, even when it’s hard. Avoid slipping back into old patterns by practising small, consistent changes—listening without interrupting, expressing appreciation, or taking time to calm down before difficult talks.
7. Know when to step back or move on
Sometimes, the kindest and healthiest decision is to end the relationship. If therapy helps you see that your values, needs, or goals no longer align, that insight can be painful—but also freeing. A counsellor can help you navigate this process respectfully and with care, especially when children or shared responsibilities are involved.
Final Thoughts
If couples counselling hasn’t “worked,” it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It may simply mean the current approach isn’t the right fit, or that the relationship is moving toward a different chapter. What matters most is that you’re seeking to understand yourself and your partner better—and that’s always a valuable step toward growth and wellbeing.
You can book a couples counselling session here.