“We just can’t communicate anymore.” If there’s one sentence couples’ counsellors hear more than any other, it’s that one. It might show up as the same argument on repeat, conversations that go from zero to heated in seconds, or the opposite — a careful, polite silence where real conversation used to be.
If this is where you and your partner are, two things are worth knowing from the outset: it’s the most common reason couples seek counselling, and it’s one of the most workable.
It’s rarely actually about the dishes
Most couples who argue a lot aren’t arguing about what they think they’re arguing about. The dishes, the money, the phone at the dinner table — these are usually the surface. Underneath sits something more tender: Do I matter to you? Am I safe with you? Are we still a team? When those questions feel shaky, almost any topic can spark the same fight.
That’s why the pattern of an argument tends to repeat even when the topic changes — and why learning “communication techniques” alone often isn’t enough. The conversation that needs to happen is usually about the questions underneath, not the dishes on top.
What the research says about corrosive patterns
Relationship researchers have been observing couples in conflict for decades, and the findings are remarkably consistent. John Gottman and Robert Levenson’s longitudinal studies identified four communication patterns so corrosive they predicted, with striking accuracy, which couples would later separate: criticism (attacking the person rather than raising the problem), contempt (eye-rolling, sarcasm, superiority — the strongest single predictor), defensiveness (meeting every concern with a counter-attack), and stonewalling (shutting down and withdrawing).
Another well-studied pattern is called demand–withdraw: one partner pushes to discuss and resolve, the other retreats, and each response intensifies the other. A meta-analysis by Schrodt and colleagues, covering more than 70 studies, found this cycle consistently linked to lower relationship satisfaction and poorer individual wellbeing — for both partners, whichever role they play.
If you recognise your relationship in any of this, that’s not a verdict. These patterns are common, they’re human, and — importantly — they’re changeable. Gottman’s research also found that couples who last aren’t couples who don’t fight; they’re couples who repair well.
Does couples counselling actually help?
Yes — and this is worth saying plainly, because many couples arrive at counselling as a last resort, half-convinced nothing will work. Meta-analyses of couples therapy, including a 2019 review by Rathgeber and colleagues of emotionally focused and behavioural couple therapy, show meaningful improvements in relationship satisfaction, while couples on waiting lists tend not to improve on their own. A comprehensive 2025 review of the evidence base by Carr reached the same broad conclusion: couple therapy produces large improvements in relationship satisfaction across a range of approaches.
One honest caveat from the research: gains can fade if couples stop practising what they’ve learned, which is why good couples work builds habits you keep using, not just insights you nod along to. And the earlier couples come in, the more there tends to be left to work with — you don’t need to be in crisis to book.
Signs it might be time to talk to someone
- You’re having the same argument on repeat, and it never actually resolves.
- One of you pursues the issue while the other shuts down — and both of you end up feeling worse.
- Sarcasm, eye-rolling or point-scoring has crept in where affection used to be.
- You’ve started avoiding certain topics entirely because they’re not worth the fallout.
- You feel more like housemates or co-managers of the family than partners.
What couples counselling looks like
Couples counselling isn’t a referee deciding who’s right. It’s a structured, neutral space where both of you get to be heard properly — often for the first time in a while — and where the counsellor helps you see the cycle you’re caught in, rather than casting one of you as the problem. From there, the work is practical: noticing the pattern as it starts, softening how issues get raised, repairing after missteps, and rebuilding the friendship underneath the logistics.
If you’d like some support
If communication in your relationship has become strained, you don’t have to untangle it alone. Sunny Coast Counselling provides individual and couples counselling in person on the Sunshine Coast, and via Zoom, Teams or telephone across Australia and New Zealand. We also support workplaces through our Employee Assistance Program and wellbeing seminars.
If you’d like to talk, you an book a session here.
References
Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult-focused problems: The evidence base. Journal of Family Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12481
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00737.x
Rathgeber, M., Bürkner, P.-C., Schiller, E.-M., & Holling, H. (2019). The efficacy of emotionally focused couples therapy and behavioral couples therapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 45(3), 447–463. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12336
Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs, 81(1), 28–58. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2013.813632