Most blokes know how to fix things. A leaking tap, a mate’s trailer, a problem at work — you have a crack, you work it out, you move on. So when something inside starts to feel off — sleep going sideways, a shorter fuse, a flatness that doesn’t lift — the instinct for many men is the same: handle it yourself, don’t make a fuss, she’ll be right.
Sometimes that works. Often it doesn’t. And the numbers suggest a lot of Australian men are carrying more than they let on.
It’s not weakness — it’s training
Many men grew up with a clear, if unspoken, set of rules: be strong, be self-reliant, don’t burden others, don’t show too much. Researchers call these traditional masculine norms, and a systematic review by Seidler and colleagues found that the more strongly men hold to them, the less positive their attitudes to seeking help tend to be — and the more self-stigma they feel when they’re struggling.
That’s worth pausing on. If reaching out feels hard, it’s not because something is wrong with you. It’s because you’ve been trained — often since childhood — to see coping alone as the measure of a man. Unlearning that isn’t weakness. It takes more nerve than staying quiet does.
What the numbers tell us
Australia’s Ten to Men study, the largest longitudinal study of male health in the country, found that only about a quarter of men said they would be likely to seek help from a mental health professional for an emotional or personal problem — and almost a quarter said they wouldn’t seek help from anyone at all. Meanwhile, around three in four Australians who die by suicide are men.
Here’s the part that matters just as much: the research consistently shows that counselling and psychological therapies work just as well for men as they do for women. The gap isn’t in whether therapy helps men — it’s in whether men get through the door.
What actually gets in the way
When researchers ask men directly, a few themes come up again and again: stigma (what would people think?), fear (what will I find if I open this up?), and trust (will this stranger actually get me?). Add the practical hurdles — time, cost, not knowing what happens in a session — and it’s easy for “I’ll sort it later” to become the default, year after year.
There’s also a quieter barrier: many men assume counselling means lying on a couch dredging up childhood while someone nods. That picture puts a lot of men off — and it’s not what modern counselling looks like.
What counselling with men actually looks like
Australian research on what keeps men engaged in therapy is refreshingly practical. Seidler and colleagues found that men do best with an approach that is collaborative, transparent and action-oriented — one where you know what the plan is, you’re treated as a partner in the process, and you leave with skills to use in the real world, not just a nod and a “how does that make you feel?”. Men in these studies said they wanted structure, a clear point to the work, and a focus on doing — and that this focus left them feeling stronger, not weaker.
A good first session reflects that. It’s a conversation, not an interrogation: what’s going on, what you want to be different, and what working on it together might look like. You don’t need a rehearsed speech, a diagnosis, or a crisis to justify being there. “Things aren’t right and I want to get on top of it” is more than enough.
Lower-friction ways to start
- Start by telephone or online. If sitting in a waiting room isn’t appealing, a phone or Zoom session from your ute, shed or home office is a legitimate way to begin.
- Use your workplace EAP if you have one. Employee Assistance Programs are confidential and typically free to you — your employer pays, and doesn’t know who uses it.
- Mention it to your GP. A regular check-up is a low-key place to raise sleep, stress or mood.
- Treat the first session as a trial run. You’re allowed to assess us too — research shows the fit between client and counsellor matters, and a good counsellor won’t be offended by that.
If you’d like some support
If any of this sounds like you — or like a bloke you care about — counselling offers a practical, confidential place to work on it. Sunny Coast Counselling provides individual and couples counselling in person on the Sunshine Coast, and via Zoom, Teams or telephone across Australia and New Zealand. We also support workplaces through our Employee Assistance Program and wellbeing seminars.
If you’d like to talk, you an book a session here.
And if you are ever having thoughts of suicide, support is available right now: Lifeline is on 13 11 14, 24 hours a day, and MensLine Australia is on 1300 78 99 78.
References
Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2020). Ten to Men insights report: Mental health of Australian males — depression, suicidality and loneliness. https://aifs.gov.au/tentomen/insights-report/mental-health-australian-males-depression-suicidality-and-loneliness
Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. Suicide & self-harm monitoring: Deaths by suicide over time. https://www.aihw.gov.au/suicide-self-harm-monitoring
Seidler, Z. E., Dawes, A. J., Rice, S. M., Oliffe, J. L., & Dhillon, H. M. (2016). The role of masculinity in men’s help-seeking for depression: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 106–118. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2016.09.002
Seidler, Z. E., Rice, S. M., Oliffe, J. L., Fogarty, A. S., & Dhillon, H. M. (2018). Men in and out of treatment for depression: Strategies for improved engagement. Australian Psychologist, 53(5), 405–415. https://doi.org/10.1111/ap.12331