What It Means for Your Relationships
In her book How to Disagree Better, behavioural scientist Julia Minson tackles something most of us quietly avoid: disagreement.
Whether it’s with a partner, colleague, or family member, many people would rather sidestep conflict altogether. But as Minson explains, disagreement isn’t the problem—how we handle it is.
This is a powerful idea for anyone considering counselling: better communication doesn’t come from avoiding tension, but from learning how to move through it constructively.
The Core Idea: From Winning to Understanding
One of the biggest traps in disagreement is treating it like a debate to win.
Minson’s research shows that when conversations become about proving a point, they quickly become unproductive and emotionally charged. Instead, she encourages a shift in mindset:
Move from “How do I win this?” to “How do I understand this?”
This shift alone can transform the tone of a conversation—reducing defensiveness and increasing connection.
The Hidden Skill: Receptiveness
At the heart of the book is a concept called conversational receptiveness.
This is the ability to show the other person that:
- You are genuinely listening
- You understand their perspective (even if you disagree)
- You are open to being influenced
Research shows that people who demonstrate receptiveness:
- Have less conflict
- Make better decisions
- Are actually more persuasive—not less
That last point often surprises people. You don’t become influential by pushing harder—you become influential by creating space.
Why We Avoid Disagreement
Minson highlights something many people will recognise:
We tend to overestimate how bad disagreements will be.
People expect:
- The conversation will be hostile
- The other person’s views will be extreme
- The relationship will be damaged
But in reality, most conversations are more reasonable than we anticipate. The avoidance itself is often the bigger problem.
Practical Strategies You Can Use
The book isn’t just theory—it offers practical tools that align closely with what we often work on in counselling.
1. Acknowledge the Other Person’s Perspective
Before offering your view, show you’ve understood theirs.
This reduces defensiveness almost immediately.
2. Use Language That Signals Openness
Simple phrases like:
- “I might be wrong, but…”
- “I can see why you’d think that…”
These small shifts make a big difference in how your message is received.
3. Ask Questions Instead of Making Statements
Curiosity creates connection.
Statements create resistance.
4. Practise on Low-Stakes Conversations
Minson suggests starting small—daily disagreements (like plans or preferences) build the skills needed for bigger, more emotional conversations.
What This Means for Relationships
At Sunny Coast Counselling, we often see couples and individuals stuck in patterns like:
- Avoiding difficult conversations
- Escalating quickly into arguments
- Feeling unheard or dismissed
This book reinforces an important truth:
Healthy relationships aren’t built on agreement—they’re built on how we handle disagreement.
When people learn to:
- Stay open
- Listen without preparing a rebuttal
- Express their views without attacking
…disagreements stop being destructive and start becoming productive.
A Counsellor’s Reflection
One of the most valuable takeaways from How To Disagree Better is this:
You don’t need to agree to stay connected.
In fact, some of the strongest relationships are those where people can disagree safely and respectfully.
If you’re finding that disagreements in your relationship are:
- Avoided
- Explosive
- Or going nowhere
then learning these skills—often with the support of a counsellor—can make a meaningful difference.
Final Thought
Disagreement is inevitable. Disconnection isn’t.
Learning how to disagree better isn’t just a communication skill—it’s a relationship skill. And like any skill, it can be learned, practised, and strengthened over time.
If you’d like to book an individual or couples counselling session, click here.