Abuse in relationships doesn’t always look the same from the outside. For many people, emotional or physical abuse follows a pattern that repeats over time. Understanding this cycle can help individuals recognise abusive dynamics and take steps toward safety, healing, and support.
In this post, we’ll explain the Cycle of Abuse, a concept that can shed light on why people often feel trapped in abusive relationships, and why leaving is rarely as simple as “just walking away.”
What Is the Cycle of Abuse?
The Cycle of Abuse is a model developed by psychologist Dr Lenore Walker to describe the repeating pattern often found in abusive relationships. It typically includes four stages:
1. Tension Building
In this phase, tension starts to rise in the relationship. The abuser may become increasingly irritable, critical, or controlling. The person experiencing the abuse often feels like they’re “walking on eggshells,” trying to avoid doing or saying the wrong thing.
Common signs include:
- Increased criticism or blame
- Passive-aggressive behaviour
- Withholding affection or communication
- A general sense of anxiety or dread
2. Incident of Abuse
This is the point where the abuse escalates. It may take the form of:
- Emotional abuse: yelling, gaslighting, insults, humiliation, threats
- Physical abuse: hitting, slapping, shoving, restraining
- Sexual abuse or coercion
- Financial abuse: taking control of money or limiting access to resources
The person on the receiving end may feel fear, shock, confusion, or even numbness during this stage.
3. Reconciliation / Honeymoon Phase
After the incident, the abuser may express remorse or try to “make things right.” They may apologise, promise to change, give gifts, or become affectionate. This phase can feel confusing and emotionally intense.
Phrases like:
- “I didn’t mean it”
- “It’ll never happen again”
- “I love you so much, I can’t lose you”
…are common. These behaviours can temporarily restore hope that things will improve.
4. Calm
Things appear to return to “normal.” The relationship may feel stable and even loving for a while. However, the underlying issues are rarely addressed, and over time, tension begins to build again—starting the cycle all over.
Why It’s So Hard to Leave
This cycle can create a powerful emotional trap. The reconciliation and calm phases may lead someone to doubt their own experiences or believe the abuse was a one-time thing. Feelings of love, hope, fear, shame, financial dependence, or concern for children can also make it incredibly difficult to leave.
It’s important to remember:
- Abuse is never your fault.
- Promises to change are not the same as actual change.
- You deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationships.
How Counselling Can Help
Counselling offers a safe, non-judgemental space to:
- Make sense of your experiences
- Understand trauma responses
- Regain confidence and self-worth
- Develop a safety plan if needed
- Explore options for moving forward
Whether you’re currently in a relationship like this or trying to recover from past abuse, professional support can be a vital part of the healing process.
Final Thoughts
Recognising the cycle of emotional or physical abuse is a crucial first step toward breaking it. If any part of this post resonates with you, know that you are not alone—and support is available. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. Reaching out can be the beginning of something better.
If you’re in immediate danger, contact emergency services or a domestic violence helpline in your area. Your safety comes first.
Ready to talk? A confidential counselling session can help you explore what you need and what’s possible next. Book an appointment with John Belchamber here.