Discovering an affair is one of the most disorienting experiences a relationship can go through. It’s common to feel like the ground has shifted under everything you thought you knew — including things that had nothing to do with the affair itself. If you’re in the middle of that right now, it can help to know two things: infidelity is far more common than most people realise, and relationships can genuinely recover from it, with the right kind of support.
How common is infidelity, really
A widely cited review of infidelity research, published in Current Opinion in Psychology, estimates that conservative figures put lifetime infidelity at somewhere between 20% and 25% of marriages, with around 2–4% of spouses engaging in infidelity in any given year. Rates tend to be higher again in cohabiting and dating relationships than in marriages. Interestingly, the same research notes that around 90% of people say they view infidelity as morally wrong — so the gap between what people believe about infidelity and what actually happens in relationships is a real one, and it’s worth knowing you’re far from alone if this is what you’re facing.
Why recovery is possible
One of the most rigorous studies on this question comes from Makinen and Johnson, published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. Working with couples experiencing what researchers call an “attachment injury” — a significant betrayal, including infidelity — the study followed 24 couples through a structured course of Emotionally Focused Therapy, averaging around 13 sessions. By the end of treatment, 63% of couples had successfully resolved the injury, showing significantly more affiliative interaction (disclosure, affirmation, understanding), deeper emotional engagement, and clinically meaningful improvements in both relationship satisfaction and forgiveness. Couples who resolved the injury showed real gains in forgiveness over time; couples who didn’t, didn’t. The research also found that compound injuries — repeated betrayals — were harder to resolve and tended to need more time in treatment.
What rebuilding trust actually involves
Recovery from infidelity generally isn’t a single conversation or a single apology — it tends to move through stages: absorbing the initial shock and pain, making sense of what happened and why, and then slowly, deliberately, rebuilding a sense of safety and predictability in the relationship. This takes time, and it’s rarely a straight line — old anger or doubt can resurface even when things seem to be improving. Importantly, this process usually involves real work from both partners: the betrayed partner moving from raw anger toward vulnerability, and the partner who was unfaithful moving from defensiveness toward genuine empathy and accountability.
When to seek support
If conversations about the affair keep circling without going anywhere, or if one or both of you has gone quiet and stopped addressing it directly, that’s often a sign the relationship needs a structured, supported space to do this work properly — rather than trying to resolve it alone in the same conversations that keep breaking down. Couples counselling gives both partners a chance to be heard, to understand what happened underneath the surface, and to work toward either rebuilding the relationship or reaching clarity about its future, at a pace that’s manageable rather than overwhelming.
Sunny Coast Counselling offers couples counselling in person on the Sunshine Coast, and via Zoom and phone across Australia and New Zealand.
If you’d like to book a couples counselling session, click here.
Sources:
- Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in Romantic Relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70–74. https://fincham.info/papers/2016-infidelity-cop.pdf
- Makinen, J. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2006). Resolving Attachment Injuries in Couples Using Emotionally Focused Therapy: Steps Toward Forgiveness and Reconciliation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1055–1064.