“Shouldn’t I Be Over Grief by Now?” – Understanding the Timeline of Healing
Grief is one of the most common – and yet most misunderstood – human experiences. Many people who come to counselling ask some version of the question, “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?” If you’ve found yourself wondering the same thing, you are not alone.
The truth is that grief has no set timetable. It is not something you simply “get over.” Instead, grief is a process of learning to live with loss, finding new ways to connect with the person or thing you’ve lost, and slowly building a meaningful life around that loss.
Let’s explore what this means and what a realistic timeline might look like.
Grief Isn’t Linear
A common misconception is that grief follows neat “stages” – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance – and once you reach the final stage, you’re done. In reality, grief is much messier. You might feel okay one week, then suddenly feel intense sadness again months later. This is completely normal.
Think of grief as waves in the ocean. At first, the waves crash over you constantly, leaving you feeling like you can barely keep your head above water. Over time, the waves become less frequent and less intense – but sometimes, out of nowhere, a big wave might still knock you down.
How Long Does Grief Last?
The length of grief varies greatly from person to person. Some factors that affect the timeline include:
- Your relationship to what you lost – Losing a life partner, child, or close family member often takes longer to process than more distant losses.
- The circumstances of the loss – Sudden or traumatic losses can take longer to integrate.
- Your personal coping style – Some people process emotions openly and quickly, others hold them in and need more time.
- Support networks – Having caring people around you (or accessing counselling) can make a big difference.
Psychologists often talk about “acute grief” lasting around 6–12 months. During this period, emotions are very strong and disruptive to daily life. After that, many people enter a phase called “integrated grief,” where they begin to re-engage with life, even though the sadness may still appear at times.
For some, this process might take a year or two. For others, especially after a particularly significant or traumatic loss, it may take longer.
Signs You’re Moving Forward
You might notice that you are beginning to heal when:
- You can think about the person or loss without feeling completely overwhelmed.
- You start to re-engage in hobbies, social activities, or work.
- You can feel moments of joy or laughter again without guilt.
- You begin to imagine a future that feels meaningful, even though it’s different from what you once expected.
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting – it means learning to carry the memory in a way that doesn’t stop you from living.
When to Seek Support
If your grief feels just as intense many months or years after the loss, or if it is preventing you from functioning day-to-day, it might be time to seek professional support. This could be a sign of prolonged grief disorder, which is treatable with the right support.
Counsellors can help you process painful emotions, find ways to honour your loss, and rebuild a sense of purpose.
The Bottom Line
There is no “should” when it comes to grief. It takes as long as it takes – and that is okay. Comparing your journey to someone else’s can make you feel worse, so try to focus on your own unique process.
Remember: grief isn’t something you get over – it’s something you grow through.
If you’d like to book a counselling session to help you with your grief journey, click here.